Itās last call for Hondo. Thatās right, as hard as it may be to believe, Mr. Ašitch, runaway winner of last seasonās College Bettorās Guide championship and theš NFL Playoff race, is in last place in the standings.
Howevešør, lest you think his position is permanent, His Aitchness would like to share some famous last words:
Nothing lasts forever, which is comforting because he who laughs last, laughs best. Not only that, but straight fromš the Bible: The last shall be first and the first last. So forget the last two weeks, because soon he will begin his ascension, at last.
Giants over Panthers: The Giantsā brutal numbers are wšell chronicled, but if you have Carolina on your mind, you might want to guess again. Eli and Co. will thrive against āthe Panthersā brutally banged-up secondary.
BarkingMut of SoBe says he hears closet pooper and ex-Steeler RB Najeh āPlop Alongā Davenport wants to try out for the šŗGiants, because he feels their pathetic ground game needs someone who can take his runs to āthe house.
Bills over Jets: Rex Ryanās defenses are rumored to be tough on rookie QBs, but so is Bills āDā coordinator Mike Pettine, who attended Rexās Academy of Defense for four years. Thus, it comšøes down to overall talent, where CJ āThe Killerā Spiller and Super Mario give Buffalo the big edge.
Chargers over Titans: Friday on āBaracking Bad:ā Yź¦ ou donāt want to miss this episode, if only to see if the totally tone-deaf President repeats his gaffe from Monday at Fridayās memorial service for the Washington Navy Yard victims. Will he or wonāt he use the occasion to bash Republicans, as he did while the tragedy was unfolding Monday?
Vikings over Browns: Two games into the season and the ever-rebuilding Browns have thrown in the towel on 201š°3 by trading Trent Richį£ardson. Give with gusto.
Buccaneers over Patriots: It wouldnāt be all that bad to see Brady throwing more Tommy tantrums and showing up his incompetent receivers again. Pray for Tommy ą¹tantrums.
Texans over Ravens: Part of the requirements of Obamacare reportedly will be for the patient to answerā questions about his or āher sex life. And donāt even think about not telling the truth ā the NSAās bugging program will be able to verify the veracity of your answers.
Cowboys over Rams: The porn business is ready to begin shoošting again after a recent HIV scare. Leading the applause were notorious do-it-yourself fanatics such as Fred Willard, Pee Wee Herman, Peter Cook and David Duchovny.
Saints over Cardinals: Beaver waste, which reportedly smells like vanilla, can be used in baked goods and sweets, according to the Swedish National Food Agency. Doctors have advised Michael Douglas not to partake in such delicacies for fear of a recurrence of his šoral cancer.
Redskiš ns over Lions: Joe Biden paid a visit to Iowa Sunday for a fundraiser, leading to speculation he was laying the groundwork for another presidential run. The Gaffe Machine wants to prove he can do at least as well in Iowa as he did during his campaign in 2008 when he collected less than 1 percent of the vote.
Packers over Bengals: Bidenās niece, Caroline, was hauled away from her apartment by cops this week aftešr getting into an argument with her roommate over non-payment of the rent. Caroline apparently is a disciple of former New York guv candidate Jimmy āThe Rentās Too Damn Highā McMillan.
Dolphins over Falcons: The Daily Ruse wasted two pageās Sunday on an excerpt of Mike Lupicaās new childrenās book, complete with a glowing quote about it by Archie Manning. It was awful nice of Lupica to return the favor by leading his āShooting Blanks from the Lipā column with some puffery on Archie and his boys. Thatās just solid, quid pro quo journalism.
Colts over 49ers: Matt Harvey has received more public backlash, this time for a botched radio appearance, which comes on the heels of the criticism oą²f his ESPN nude photo shoot and a magazine story in which he talked of his admiration for Jeterās success and discretion with the ladies. Harvey is said to be so upset thereās only way he can be consoled: By having another public make-šout session with his Russian model girlfriend on the streets of Manhattan.
Jaguars over Seahaź§ wks: Producers of AMCās āThe Walking Deadā are planning a spinoff for the 2015 season. It will be titled: āThe Jacksonville Jaguars.ā
Steelers over Bears: Product launch of the week: āOne Wipe Charlies,ā which is moistešned toilet paper. It seems like an environmentally sound product ā after all only one square is needed, even for the big jobs allegedly. However, donāt forget about the extra electricity you wšill need, post-swabbing, to blow-dry your wet butt.
Raiders over Broncos: Toys āRā Us released its Christmas hot toy list and included is āDespicable Me 2.ā Think of how excited your child will be when he or she looks under the tree and finds the whole setš ā fun figurines of Anthony āA-Wadā Weiner, Eliot āJohnā Spitzer, Angry Alec Baldwin, SuperNanny Bloomberg, Mad Mel Gibson and Keith āGasbagā Olbermann, aka Uberdork.
BEST BETS: Bills, Vikings.