‘Fifty Shades’ of meh: Trailer is all pain, no gain

“This is just an interview for the newspaper,” begins the trailer to the eagerly anticipated “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie, eight words that are a guaranteed prelude to a sexy good time. (Trust us. We here at the New York Post should know.)

To call the “Fifty Shades” trilogy by EL James “popular” is an understatement; the series boasts more than 90ꦕ million readers and has been translated into 52 languages.

Or as one woman on the “Fifty Shades” Faceb🐼ook page put it: “Almost every woman in this country has read the book, freaks.”

Suffice it to say, everyon🌠e is expect💃ing this movie to be hot, hot, hot.

Except, the trailer left me kind of cold.

Here’s Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) step🌠ping shyly into a🃏n office building, her mousey lit-student chic look (think floral button-down shirt, bangs and a cardigan) contrasting against the sleek corporate confines of the office.

She’s there to interview Mr. Chꦿristian Grey (Jamie Dornan), a “handsome yet tormented” billionaire (which, anyone will tell you, is the very best kind of billionaire).

“Mr. Grey will see you now,” sa🐭ys a sleek, sexy blond assistant.

“What was he like?” asks a voice-over, quizzing Anastasia about this mysterious billionaire man, this BDSM Jay Gatsby, while we see images of her in his office, awkwardly staring at her notepad as Mr.🀅 Grey strides around his workplace.

“He was polite,” answers Anastasia.

“. . . intense . . . smart . . .

[pause]

[clashing cymbals]

. . . really intimidating.”

Cut to: close-up of the aforementioned Mr. Grey’s hands clenched tightly under ✨a desk.

When hands are clenched under 🅘desks, you know stuff is about to get real.

At this point in the trailer, I wasn’t sure if I was watching a ’90s rom-com, a hipster reimagiཧning of “Working Girl” or a guide to acin🐲g that interview on LinkedIn.

Cut to: some sort of magazine photo shoot where Grey is wearin🌃g a three-piece suit.

“I exercise contr🔜ol in all things, Miss Steele,” he says, in what is pretty much the mantra of every type-A pers🔯on in Manhattan.

Cut to: wild elevator makeout scene! A corporate helicopter! Seattle’s Space N🐻eedle — handily a landmark in the city in which the film tᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚ⁤⁤⁤⁤ᩚ⁤⁤⁤⁤ᩚ⁤⁤⁤⁤ᩚ𒀱ᩚᩚᩚakes place and incredibly phallic-looking! An amazing apartment with great views, the sort that only a handsome, tormented billionaire could afford! And some sort of scene involving a baby grand piano and some bedsheets.

Then, as the action really starts to heat up, a silk face mask is pulled out of a drawer, Jamie Dornan shows off his abs, there’s another♐ ride in a corporate jet, Dornan 🔯shows off his abs some more, and someone gets tied to a bed.

The S&M scenes are shown in a quick, close-up montage, as there are limits to what a trailer can show. (Th🌳e MPAA has probably been anticipating this trailer more than anyone.)

The baby face works for her; she’s supposed to be a college student. It works less for Dornan, who is playing an older and more sophisticated seducer, who, as we learn in the trailer, “had a rough start in life.” Aꦺctors Johnson, 24 (daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson), and Dornan, 32, are undeniably beautiful people, but they’ve both got baby faces that make them look better suited to freshman orientation week at Amherst than an S&M extravaganza.

Originally, “Sons of Anarchy” star Charli🐠e Hunnam was cast in the Christian Grey role, but he dropped out after a month due🤡 to the limits of his TV schedule.

That’s when former Calvin Klein model Dornan ste✨pped in. (Sadly, the young, circa-“9¹/₂ Weeks” Mickey Rourke was not available.)

Even♋ the actors themselves seemed a bit doubtful abou𒉰t the chemistry.

“It’s not like a romantic situation, it’s more technical and choreographed,” Johnson told “Tod꧑ay.” “It’s like more of a task.”

It certainly looks that way here.