‘Cinderella’ review: A horrid fake-feminist adaptation nobody asked for

Writer-director Kay Cannon has shattered Cinderella’s glass slipper. And we, the audience, are forced to walk across the sh🥃ards barefoot.

Yes, the new movie — out F📖riday on — is that excruciating.

The rotten revamp is pseudo-feminist claptrap that begs us to feel empowered when Ella’s (Camila Cabello) evil stepmother, now named Vivian (Idina Menzel), confides to her stepdaughter that she is a classically trained pianist who never got to play professionally. So, she’s a cruel parent because she didn’t become Liberace? Brave!

The Queen (Minnie Driver), meanwhile, keeps complaining that her “voice has been completely silenced” by her husband, the King (Pierce Brosnan). How is this serious marital issue resolved? During the grand finale, the Queen yells, “You’re wrong!” at his majesty and gets applauded by her subjects. Groundbreaking!

When Cinderella marries Prince Robert (Nicholas Galitzine) — I’m sorry I’ve just spoiled this centuries-old fairy tale — she refuses to be called a princess.

Pandering nonsense.

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“Cinderella” is a musical, which makes sense for Cannon, who wrote the far better “Pitch Perfect” series. However, unlike Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Broadway show that had an original score, this is mostly a jukebox affair cluttered with disparate pop and R&B songs.

The Prince croons Queen’s “Somebody to Love,” and Vivian (Menzel has been costumed to look like Imelda Marcos) belts Madonna’s “Material Girl.” The townsfolk sing Janet Jackson’s “Rhythm Nation” at the start. All of the performances are ho-hum, and Cannon doesn’t shoot them with any flair.

One of the few original tunes is called , whose Cinderella is oatmeal-bland. Of the few lyrics I understood through the singer’s garbled, nasal, corporate pop sound, I caught these blazingly original lines: “You’re gonna know my name” and “If it’s a million to one, I’m gonna be that one.” This drivel is reprised twice more.

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Cannon is occasionally a very fine writer. The aforementioned “Pitch Perfect” films are funny, catchy and smart. This “Cinderella” script, meanwhile, misses the mark in every conceivable way. The dialogue — which clumsily blends classical speech and modernisms like “she cray!” — is on par with Netflix’s “A Christmas Prince.” As one of Cinderella’s helpful mice, James Corden gets the line “Holy fudge!”

Billy Porter is all right as the fairy godmother, now called Fab G, but it’s a relatively small part.

Let me end with a fairy tale: Once upon a time, a movie that was supposed to have a theatrical release was instead picked up by a and debuted at the end of summer when very few people watch movies. You know the rest. It’s a classic.

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