Thank God the lobotomized ‘Fast & Furious’ franchise is ending
“Furious”?
I’m elated! “Riding in Cars With Buffoons” is finally coming t꧅o an end.
Over the weekend, from actor Vin Diesel heavily suggested that the next “Fast & Furious” film, said to be called “Fast X: Part 2,” will be the last 🤪hurrah for the 23-year-old franchise.
“Just fini꧅shed our end of the week Fast meeting with the writers and the whol💯e team,” Diesel wrote. “To say the excitement for our finale was incredibly powerful is an understatement. Wow. So exciting.”
Say more, Vin.
“This grand finale is not just an 🅷ending; it’s a celebration of the 🅷incredible family we’ve built together.”
Ending? Finale? Sounds done to me!
It’s about damn time. This prepo🧸sterous two-decadeslong road trip has been creaking along since 🥂the George W. Bush administration.
“The Fast and the Furious” hit theaters back in 2001 with “L🌊ord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” and “Harry Potter anꦯd the Sorcerer’s Stone.” The world has changed. Daniel Radcliffe is now a 34-year-old father who stars in Broadway musicals.
Of course, it would be one thing if “Fast” regularly upped its game and cunningly reinvented itself like fellow long-running action series such as the James Bond films and “Mission: Impossible” successfully have.
But “Fast” has the same n𓆏umber of brain cells left as a𒁃 guy who spends entire days huffing paint. These have become unwatchable movies.
Universal has not officially confirmed that “Fast X: Part 2” will be curtains for the main franchise — although the tagline of “Fast X” was “The last ride” — and the movie is currently planned for release in April 2025.
There has even been talk that the last story could be split into a merciless three films, such is the intricacy and sophis𓃲tication of the plot🌳.
We’ve also still got spinoffs such as a possible “Hobbs & Shaw 2,” starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Jason Statham. A💮nd an all-female “Fast” flick is said to be in the works.
But slamming the door on 🌃Dom, Letty and, uh, all those other nimrods is, at least, a start.
At a moment when a staggering number of moronic, n🌳early identical movies are being churned out by Hollywood, the “Fast” films have achieved the impressive feat of stayꩲing among the very dumbest.
Lately the idiocy has gotten out of hand.
In “F9” Ludacris and Tyrese Gibson strapped a rocket on a Pontiac Fiero and drove it into out▨er space. They ate snacks up there.
And who can forget the “Fast X” chase where Dom pursued a spherical bomb through ꦅRome that, despite not being remote-controlled, made crisp turns and rolled for minutes on end.
Yet more cringey though is how exhausted these actors all obviously are. These aren’t shiny new action stars anymore. Diesel, 56, Michelle Rodriguez, 45, and John Cena, 46, act like the dude in the “Time to make the donuts” commercial.
Really, the whole “Fast & Furious” enterprise should have stopped when star Paul Walker died in 2013, after the making of 2015’s “Furious 7.” But no. Instead, Helen Mirren hopped aboard to do a weird cockney accent.
“Fast X” villain Dante Reyes, played by a squealing Jason Momoa, said, “The days where a m൩an behind the wheel of a car could make a difference ar🌺e over.”
This psychopathic killer acဣtually makes a lot of sense.
