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How to survive giving β€” and getting β€” negative feedback

By
Virginia Backaitis
Published April 6, 2024, 7:29 a.m. ET
Confident male boss leader in eyeglasses explaining project details to new female employee at meeting. Concentrated young woman job applicant listening to hr manager questions at interview in office.
Employees who offer feedback to their bosses have something worthwhile to gain as well. Getty Images/iStockphoto

S🐻ome 28 years ago, fresh out of Brown University, Jeff Wetzler found himself in his bossβ€™πŸˆs office seeking information. I

nstead of a straightforward answer, he got a scolding from his manager. κ§‘β€œWhy are you wasting my time?” he was told. β€œDid you spend any time trying to figure this out for yourself?”

Wetzler, now 49 years old, reflecteπŸ”΄d on the humiꦍliating encounter.

β€œI was completely embarrassed; my face was red,” said the Haπ’ͺstings-on-Hudson, NY, resident. β€œMy boss was absolutely right, I should have done the research myself and been more respectful of his time.”

Wetzler, now the co-CEO of , a nonprofit organization that leads innovation in school design, is thπŸ‰e author of(Hachette Book Group, out in May).

In it, he argues that insights often come from unexpected sources and that by listening to them, we gain smarter decision-mΰ΅²aking abilities, creative problem-solving skills and stronger connections.

Wetzler believes it hoβ™”lds so many opportunities, even when oꦑne person tells another something uncomfortable.

β€œBut the feedback needs to be delivered with empathy, showing that you care. It should include something actionab🦩le,” he said.

In other words, you wouldn’t tell a colleague whose memo is too long, β€œthis memo sucksπŸ”΄,” wiπŸ’Ÿthout also suggesting that the information might be conveyed better via bullet points.

At Transcend Education they use a β€œtool” whereby both the manager andπŸŽ€ a staff memberπŸ”― provide feedback on each other.

They highlight two positive aspects and two areas for improvemΰΌ’ent as a constructive way to enhance performance.

Employees who offಞer feedback to their bosses have something worthwhile to gain as well.

But, β€œit has to be specific, actionable, empathetic and transparent,” said Nicole D. Sβ™›mith, a contributor to (Harvard Business Review Press, out in May).

Smith said the conversation might start with something like β€œI didn’♔t like the way you made me feel,” or β€œIn β™šthe meeting I felt …”

β€œYour boss might not even be aware that you are experiencing this problem,ࡩ” she said.

Lauren Evans, 31, a resident of Washington Heights and company manager at on the Upper West Side, found herself in a meeting negotiating a contract alongside colleagues and union πŸ’¦representatives.

During a brea🐽k, the dance company’s legal counsel took Evans aside, advising her to speak less and listen more.

β€œI wasn’t leaving space for fπŸ’«eedback. Now it seems so obvious,” said ꦦEvans.

At Ballet Hispanico,πŸ’ƒ feedback is championed as a means of learning and impπŸ¦„rovement.

β€œThis stands in stark contrast to the culture of years past,” said Eduardo Vilaro, artistic director and CEO of Ballet Hispanico. β€œThere’s more collaboration and rapport among colleagues.
At the ballet company, feedback comes from everyone, n♏ot just your bπ’€°oss. People don’t fear it.

β€œHere, feedback is feedback,” said Vilaro. β€œIt’s not positive or negative. But it h🍸elps if it’s prκ¦―ecise and focused on the individual’s needs.”

At Fortier Public Relations in Midtown, there’s a formula for fπŸ’¦eedbaκ§…ck.

First, descri🐟be the situation, then explain what happened, and imagine how it could have been improved for a better outcome.

β€œThereπŸ’Ÿβ€™s no shame a𝄹nd no blame,” said Mark Fortier, president and founder of . β€œThat’s not the point. Instead, we show that we are confident that they can do better.”

James Rhee, author of (Harper One) said that β€œGood feedback is truthful and well-intended. If delivered and received well, it prevents waste, whether of time, money, energy or focus. Even more so, it can create a new asset that is increasingly in sh♏ort supply β€” namely, trust, which is the foundation for sustainable growth.”

He suggested these guidelines:

DON’T:

  • Only focus on positive feedback. Be interested in understanding and learning from the negative, too.
  • Be afraid to ask for some time to process negative feedback before reconvening.
  • Give feedback just to vent your own emotions. Remind yourself that the real goal is to teach, not to scold.
  • Dredge up past failures that are not relevant.
  • Demand something from your colleague that you, yourself, do not exemplify.

DO:

  • Praise great results that came from a flawed process.
  • Begin difficult conversations with open-ended questions that allow for a true dialogue.
  • Treat the exchange as a fact-finding mission, whereby your colleague has the opportunity to become aware of the pending feedback.
  • Remember that your direct report might one day be your manager.
  • Remind yourself that this is about a job performance, not a personality or life assessment.
  • Take a breath before responding to negative feedback.
  • Write down the feedback so that you reread the words in a less fraught state of mind.
    .