The many cracks on the Serby Crystal Ball have finally been patched up, and with the help of AI — not Allen Iverson — can clearly see how the Road to the New Orleans Super Bowl will be traversed:
AFC Wild Card
Texans def. Bills
C.J. Stroud horrifies the Bills Mafia contingent that makes the trek to Houston with a 75-yard bomb to Stefon Diggs on the first play from scrimmage. Will Anderson Jr. hounds Josh Allen and Tyler Bass misses Wide Right again. Stroud proves he is no one-hit wonder throwing an𝔉other TD pass to Nico Collins and captures his second playoff win at home.
Jets def. Bengals
What an atmosphere! A 22-year wait for a home playoff game is over for Joe Benigno as he hoists Connie Scouts on his shoulders for repeated “J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!” chants. Benigno amazes fans in his section by accurately predicting virtually every play call and only later does he confide to Jets sideline reporter Caroline Hendershot that Robert Saleh had texted him the game plan. Tyron Smith neutralizes Trey Hendrickson, Aaron Rodgers throws a pair of TD p🃏asses to Garrett Wilson, and Haason Reddick, his legs fresh from his training camp holdout, sacks Joe Burrow three times. Woody Johnson announces four-year extensions for Saleh and GM Joe Douglas.
Jaguars def. Ravens
Lamar Jackson’s playoff demons surface again in front of a stunned M&T Bank Stadium crowd as Devin Lloyd shadows Derrick Henry, Trevor Lawrence goes nuclear to rookie Brian Thomas Jr.ꦅ and Evan Engram, and Travis Etienne does the rest.
NFC Wild Card
49ers def. Cowboys
𝄹Jerry Jones is mad as hell and he can’t take it anymore, and after Christian McCaffrey runs wild and Nick Bosa and Leonard Floyd suffocate Dak Prescott, he fires Mike McCarthy as sources report that he has reached out to Bill Belichick to be his next coach.
Rams def. Eagles
Saquon Barkley runs wild early, but without Jason Kelce, Jalen Hurts is stoned on an early Tush Push and Matthew Stafford torches Vic Fangio’s secondarꦿy with TD passes to Puka Nacua and Cooper Kupp. And after Linc fans display uncharacteristic vitriol, Jeffrey Lurie fires Nick Sirianni as sources report he has reached out to Belichick to be his next coach. The local media immediately labels Belichick The Most Eligible Bachelor in Philadelphia.
Packers def. Falcons
Xavier McKinney steps in front of a Kirk Cousins pass to Drake Lon🌟don for a 99-yard pick-six, and a flawless Jordan Love fires TD passes to Christian Watson and Romeo Doubs while Josh Jacobs rumbles for over 100 yᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚ𒀱ᩚᩚᩚards.
AFC Divisional Round
Chiefs def. Jaguars
Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce connect on a behind-the-back TD pass that has Taylor Swift higꦬh-fiving a bare-chested Jason Kelce in their Arrowhead suite.
Jets def. Texans
Sauce Gardner locks up Collins, and D.J. Reed locks up Diggs and intercepts Stroud twice whil🤡e Breece Hall rumbles for 150 yards and a pair of touchdowns, one on a R🌳odgers checkdown.
NFC Divisional Round
Lions def. Rams
A Ford Field playoff rematch from a year ago. Stafford starts quickly wit꧅h TD passes to Nacua and Kupp, but Jared Goff, target🐷ing Amon-Ra St. Brown and Sam LaPorta early and often, has the fan base chanting his name again.
49ers def. Packers
Packers DC Jeff Hafley coached briefly with Kyle Shanahan, but dealing with🐭 Brock Purdy throwing to Deebo Samuel, Brandon Aiyuk and George Kittle and defending McCaffrey in the ground is a bridge too far.
AFC Championship game
Chiefs def. Jets
Joe Namath, in an inspirational show of support in the minus 20 degree cold, stands on the visiting sideline in one of his old fur coats. It was the Chiefs who ruined Namath’s chance at a Super Bowl repeat and he hasn’t forgotten. With Andy Reid and Mahomes 60 minutes from the chance at an historic three-peat, Broadway Joe convinces Rodgers to scrap the ayahuasca for some Johnnie Walker Red and guarantee a win. Mahomes responds immediately with a TD strike to Kelce and a bomb to rookie burner Xavier Worthy, and the 🌟imposi♛ng presence of Chris Jones gives Joe Tippmann the yips. Rodgers announces he will make a decision on playing again once he returns from Egypt sometime in June.
NFC Championship game
Lions def. 49ers
Dan Campbell let the Niners off the hook in last year’s N🌳FC Cham🌼pionship game with overly-aggressive decisions but not this time. Goff makes an early statement with an 80-yard TD bomb to Jameson Williams and 50-yarder to St. Brown and a checkdown TD pass to Jahmyr Gibbs to counter Purdy’s TD passes to Samuel, Kittle and McCaffrey. But Campbell opts for FGs on fourth-and-2 and fourth-and-3 to take the lead. Aidan Hutchinson is neutralized by Trent Williams but his late fourth-quarter sack has Lions players carrying Campbell off the field. Motown celebrates its first Super Bowl.
Super Bowl 2025
Chiefs def. Lions
Somebody will make history: A Chiefs three-peat, or the Lions’ first Super Bowl championship. Campbell counters Swift’s presence by setting up Eminem, Diana Ross, Jack White and Big Sean in the owner’s suite. Goff is prepared for virtually everything Steve Spagnuolo throws at him but Lions DC Aaron Glenn all but takes Kelce away with 6-foot-5 LB Jack Campbell shadowing him with S Brian Branch as a change of pace. It’s the secon☂d consecutive overtime Super Bowl!
And Mahomes has the ball last. Mahomes-to-Kelce, touchdown. Swag surfing in the Taylor Swift suite. Three-p✤eat.
Chiefs 33, Lions 30
