I don’t care what experts say about gender identity — I won’t stop telling my kids ‘good girl’ and ‘good boy’

There’s so much uncertainty in parenting in 2024, thanks to information overload, but one thing’s for sure: you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.

advising parents not to use “good girl/boy” when praising their kids, and … that’s it. I’m officially done.

No disrespect to the researchers and experts, but that’s enough. Stop it now. Thanks.

“May raise self esteem and identity issues”

Here’s the gist of what the :

Don’t say “good girl” or “good boy”, as it may raise issues around gender identity and self-esteem.

It also doesn’t actually giไve children clear feedback on what they did to earn such praise,𝔍 apparently.

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Don’t under praise, because of that old self-esteem chestnut mentioned earlier. 

But don’t overdo it either, lest your kid turn into a narcissistic a–hole. 

Recent research suggests that inflated praise – i.e. using words such as “incredible”, “amazing” and “wonderful,” can foster narcissistic traits by causing children to have an unrealistic sense of their own competence. 

Constant praise is also a no-no and may mean ꧃children unconsciously feel they are , rather than for themselves. 

It can b🐷e bad for self-regulation and sense of ide🅠ntity, experts say.

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So do we give the kids the silent treatment??

“Process praise” is apparently what we’re aiming for here, people.

It’s informational, giving children feedback on their efforts and strategies in achieving an outcome.

In other words, what you want to be saying to your kid is, “I can see you tried really hard in that athletics 🌳competiti♎on, Jimmy”, rather than, “you are a winner, son!”

This is how I was praised in the 90s

Looking back on my childh🍸ood, I⛦ wonder if my mom and dad thought about HOW they praised me?

All I📖 know is that if I received a hug after a clarinet performance or a school running carnival that I came last in, that was enough for me.

If there was a “well done, honey,” afterwards too – well, that was icing on the cake. 

Frankly, I think in many ways, our generation of parents are making a rod for our own bac🌌ks. Overthinking things. Overcomplica♎ting things. And missing the bigger picture.

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There’s no doubt that praise reinforces positive behaviours – psychologists told us as much as early a⭕s the 1950s, and in our household, we see it firsthand.

When my son does something kin🍒d for his little sisters, I’m the first to say, “very thoughtful, 🎉honey.”

Or when my daughter colours in a surprise picture for me, of🃏 course I want to make her feel acknowledged and special by saying, “wow – thꦗat’s beautiful, baby!”

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What I don’t want to be doingꦚ is overanalyzing the language I use when I do say those things.&ꦕnbsp;

Wondering to ☂myself… have I prais🐟ed you like I should, Fatboy Slim-style?

And what kind of unconscious messages have I communic🀅ated through that praise?

Forℱ me, praising my kids is not some scientific measurement with the right dose of X and a dash of Z to co𝓡me up with some desired outcome.

Saying a kind𒁏 word to my kids is something simple that comes from the heart. End of story.