You probably don’t realize these 5 subtle behaviors are destroying your relationship
When things get tough in relationships, itâs very normal, natural and easy toâą focus on your partnerâs behaviors and the problems they bring to thđe relationship.
Itâs much ŕźharder to see your own contribution, reactions anꊾd role in relationship problems.
đHowever, if you just focus on your pŕŚartnerâs problems, you will continue to feel stuck and frustrated in life.
It is possible to bring positive change to your relationship through self-focus, reflecŕŚtion and behavior change.
First though, you must rđ¸eęŚcognize your own unhelpful behaviors â what I call ârelationship-interfering behaviors.â
By doing this, you will build your insight muscle, and discover ways to strengthen âyour relationship rather than weaken it.
Some relationship-interfering bđ¸ehaviors are more obvious but still uncomfortable to admit â for example, any anger, from frustration to rage, being critical and mean to your đpartner or being passive-aggressive.
However, sometimes behaviors are less obvious and harder to identify. Here are five subtle behaviors thatđ¸ are harder to spot, but have the potential to destâroy your relationship:
1. Submission or Compliance
If you find yourself surrenderiâng your needs and submitting to what your partner wants all the time, youâre in a submission and compliance dynamic.
You may feel youđâre making the relationship run smoother because you are avoiding feelinđ¤Şgs of guilt or potential conflict.
However, this behavior is contributing to a negative relationship cycle. Relying on submission and compliance to defuseಠconflict or avoid guilt means you are not being authentic.
Your genuine needs, wants and interests are not shared and not prioritizedđ§. This can lead to resentment within you and an imbalance in the relationship.
It can even result in your âpartner respecting you less and your value in the relationship beâing reduced.
2. Entitlement
Itâs not just people with narcissistic personality disorder whoꌰ are entitled. Each individual is at the center of their universe and, therefore, capable of entitlement.
Often people are blind to it. Entitlement might be as simple as feeling you deserve something and getting fiery whđen you donât receđ°ive it.
When present, this relaęŚtionship-interđłfering behavior means you are not willing to put yourself in an empathetic position to understand your partnerâs needs.
Instead, you pursue your own needs with little compassion for them. Reflecting and identifying entitlement ârequires deep commitment.
If you do not ređalize you are being entitled, you will likely remain stubborn in your puꌰrsuit with little awareness of the impact you are having on others and on your own reputation.
3. Over-functioning
Many partners feel like a parent in their relationship, dealing with under-functioning partnâers who constantly let them down.
Labelling their over-functioning as a problem seems unfair, because theyâre picking up all the slack and doing â all the heavy lifting in the relationship.
However, letâs say you are taking care of 75 percent of all relationship requirements. That onâly leaves 25 percent of space đ¤Şfor your partner to function. There is no room for them to step up.
Continuing to over-function enables their under-functioęŚning and causes you a lot of pain and stress because the dynamic does not change.
If you doęŚ not learn to step back, lower your standards and put in healthy boundaries, you will always feel like the parent in the relationship and thatâs not fair to you.
4. Pursuing
Pursuing behaviors refđĽers tođ behaviors that are intense, insistent and persistent.
This could be repeatedly bringing up an issue in the relationship that nཧeeds resolving, insisting on an immediate behavior change from your partner, or passionately expressing opinionđs or desires.
Pursuing behaviors are coꌿmmonly driven by feelings of anxiety, overwhelm and insecurity, making people feel required to address issues in the relationship.
Such behaviors, however, can come across as controlling and bossy. Uđnsurprisingly, these pursuing behaviors can lead partners to feel controlled and pestered, resulting in avoidance and distancing.
5. Avoidance
If you dodge đŚthe difficult conversations and issues, you are engaging in avoidant behaviours.
Avoidđ ance leads to communication procrastination and white lies. Internally, the behavior is driven by the desire to avoid conflict or friction, and so feels rational or justifiable.
However, when you avoid a problem or issue in the relationship, it inevitably surfaces and you end up dealing with the problem at hand pęŚlus the fallout from the avoidance.
This âmeans double the problem anđd double the stress.
These subtle rđąelationship-interfering behaviors are not initially in our awareness. But đ°by reflecting on them you are able to learn and grow from them.
Blindđ´ spots are normal, allowing you to adopt a position thâat makes you feel more comfortable. This is a very human response.
However, identifying your relationship-interfering behaviors is life-changing as they provide you with multiple points of change to mâake your relationship better.
